Center of Attention

By Bud Focht

Hi, my name is Bud and I used to write a weekly blog.  I used to do a lot of things.

With Spring Training baseball games on television now it makes me long for the days when I would go to the Philadelphia Phillies games. For 10 years, a dozen of us had very good seats near each other for about 20 games a year. The fact that in those years the Phils won five Division Titles, two National League Pennants and a World Series, made it even more enjoyable. For a few of those years (2007-09) Citizen’s Bank Park was the place to be in the greater Philadelphia area.

But it wasn’t just good baseball in a nice ball park. It was the comradery of the group of friends tailgating before the game and sitting within ear-shot of each other during the game.

That’s what I miss.

March Madness is about to begin. Last night I watched the conference championship basketball games (women’s and men’s) of the league that I used to work in. But this year I watched it on television instead of in person. The electricity of the crowd being on national TV, the importance of the game, with the loser seeing its outstanding season end while the winner gets the ultimate prize, getting its name on the office pool bracket.

That’s what I miss.

This time of year, I used to work 70 hours a week, but I still had time to do things.

Since I’ve taken an early retirement I have no time to do anything.

That’s what I miss.

For some reason, I had a different idea of what “retirement” would be like.

It seems my wife has gone from a self-sufficient wall flower to someone who seeks my constant attention.  And I am afraid she has begun showing signs of agitation when she doesn’t get it.

I mean I have gotten used to being with her all day to help her with everything, now that Terry is in the middle stages of Early Onset Alzheimer’s Disease, and I never once minded it. She’s my partner, and when she needs assistance I WANT to be the person to help her.

But lately she has gotten upset when I tried to have a conversation with someone else. And both times it happened it was a family member I was talking to.

A few months ago we visited her family in New England. Terry’s family is large, with 10 kids, and even now when all are grown, there is usually a large crowd sitting around the dining room table when we visit. And even though they are all sitting around the same large table, there are often two or three different conversations going on at the same time.

The first time I witnessed that I was a little put off. Terry and I had just started dating and it was my second or third time at the house.  I was telling a story and was just about to get to the punch line when one or two of her siblings began their own conversation.

I eventually discovered that it was just the way it is in such a large family. When a parent has to deal with six or seven needy kids at one time, you don’t get center stage unless you are bleeding or puking. Sometimes you need to be doing both if it is flu season.

So a few months ago Terry and I were sitting around that large table along with seven or eight others, and there were a few conversations going on. I was involved in one of them and all of a sudden Terry became upset. It took me a while, in another room, to find out what the problem was.

At first I figured she just couldn’t focus on any of the conversations and she was getting frustrated. And that was part of it.

But then it happened again the other day in our own house. Our daughter was telling me something while Terry was eating her lunch and all of a sudden she got upset. She didn’t like my daughter talking to me. She wanted my attention.

Back in the 1980s Terry was the shyest person I ever dated. When we got married she knew what my job entailed and was fine with me being gone so much.

Now she is an attention hog.

I know it is not her, it is this god-damn disease, that is making her act this way. And it is tough to see.

I’m not sure if I am to blame for this. Do I coddle her too much? Should I try to let her do more things on her own?

This constant need for attention prevents me from doing anything without her. Like talk to my kids or friends. To write this blog. To use the bathroom. I took a shower the other day and when I came out Terry was upset because she didn’t know where I was. And it was just a five-minute shower after I had twice told her what I was going to do.

I always knew things were going to get tougher in this caregiving thing. I tried not to give it much thought, but reality is beginning to sink in.

This gig is not for everybody.

But it is for me. I am so grateful that I was able to quit my job and spend 24/7 with my partner.

I just wish I had some time to do things.

That’s what I miss.

And I know that in the future there are going to be things I miss even more. So even though I just spent the last half hour writing how I miss things, I try not to give it too much thought.

I don’t have the time.

Until next time, appreciate what you have. You’re going to miss this.

Bud