Team Effort

By Bud Focht

Hi, my name is Bud and I have always enjoyed being on a team. The comradery.  The sharing of the thrill of victory.  Having someone else to blame for the agony of defeat.

I grew up playing sports and have been on too many teams to count, whether it was Little League during the summer or bowling during the winter. I played on high school and college varsity teams, intramural teams and even as an adult on football and tennis teams.

I always liked playing tennis, an individual sport, but it was more fun, for me, being in a doubles league.

And for the past 38 years since graduating I have worked with college athletic teams, sharing with them their highs and lows.

Now I am part of another team, a team of caregivers for my wife Terry, who is in the middle stages of Early Onset Alzheimer’s Disease.

For the first two years or so after Terry was diagnosed I felt it was my job, my responsibility, to be the caregiver. Terry was my wife, my partner, to love and cherish in sickness and in health, for better or for worse, in good times and bad. Our kids had their own lives to live and I didn’t want to burden them with such a daunting task.

Despite all I read about how you shouldn’t try to handle this caregiving thing on your own, I knew I wanted to do it. What I didn’t know is that I couldn’t do it.  Not by myself. Not anymore, now that Terry’s condition has worsened to the point where there is very little she can do without guidance, without help.

Alzheimer’s.org says that being a caregiver for someone in the middle stages requires flexibility and patience, two virtues that I have never been accused of having much of. It says to take family and friends up on offers to help.  But I was resistant.

Until now.

Terry and I have been blessed with a great family, great kids, and great friends, who all want to help. And I have finally realized I need their help. Terry needs their help.

A large majority of caregivers are sons and daughters, taking care of their parent. But that is because a large majority of Alzheimer’s patients are elderly and many do not have a spouse anymore or at least a spouse who can take care of them.  So the child has to step up.

But my Terry is far from elderly, still in her mid-50s. (Although when I was in Little League someone in their 50s seemed elderly to me.)

Terry and I have been ‘empty nesters’ for some time now. Even when our youngest was still living at home it was only during the summer, since she was living on campus during the school year.

The kids always came home to visit, more so once they learned of their mother’s situation, but unless I had to go out of town for work it was more just to visit than to actually help with the caregiving.

But now they are helping in that manner. They have joined the team. Our youngest lives walking distance to where I work, so now if I have to cover a game in the evening Terry can visit with her.

Our oldest lives an hour or so away but continues to come home at least once a week to help out.

This weekend our son is moving back in with us. He gave up a lot to do it. But he wanted to help with the caregiving. He wanted to join the team, on a full-time basis.

I have always liked being on a team. This is a team that I wish did not have to exist, but it does. So now I am happy that I am not alone. I am not playing singles anymore; I have a doubles partner living at home. I have teammates who I can take Terry to or who can come home at the drop of a hat to help when needed.

Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, who probably led his teams to more wins than anyone who ever played a sport (71 consecutive wins in high school, three national championships in college, six world championships in the NBA), once said “One man can be a crucial ingredient on a team, but one man cannot make a team.”

I am finding that out now. I always liked having teammates. Now I need teammates.

Until next time, I will be learning how to be patient and flexible, with help from my teammates.

Bud