Head in the Sand

by Bud Focht

Hi, my name is Bud and the first joke I ever told in public was to my classmates on the second day of kindergarten.

Bob the Ostrich and Joe the Ostrich were walking along when they saw Fred the Ostrich.  As Bob and Joe approached Fred, who was a very nervous and timid ostrich, Fred got scared and he buried his head in the sand.  Bob and Joe then looked at each other and said, “Where did Fred go?”

The response? You could hear crickets.

Until my kindergarten teacher, Miss Krowder, laughed so hard I think I saw a snot bubble come out of her pretty little button nose. Then the entire class laughed. I was never sure if they laughed because the joke was funny (probably not) or they laughed because the teacher laughed (maybe) or they laughed because they saw the same snot bubble that I saw (most likely).

In reality ostriches don’t really hide their heads in the sand. They aren’t the brightest of birds (heck, they don’t even know how to fly) but they aren’t really that stupid as to think if they hide their heads they can’t be seen.

It is said that some people ‘bury their heads in the sand’ to avoid seeing obvious signs of danger or they refuse to think about an unpleasant situation.

I feel like I have been hiding my head in the sand when it comes to my wife Terry’s diagnosis of EOAD (Early Onset Alzheimer’s Disease for those of you who don’t Acronym).

Ever since we knew something was wrong back in October when we first visited a neurologist and when our worst fears were realized and confirmed in the spring, we’ve been trying to live life in the moment, enjoying each day as it comes, and not look too far down the road.  That is because a lot of snot bubbles appear when I do look down that dark road and it is by no means from laughing.

And so far so good. We are enjoying life; we are enjoying our family and friends. We are vacationing. We go the Jersey Shore almost every Monday (during the school year I work seven days a week so during the summers I take off every Monday). We just had a great trip to Canada for a large (32 people) family reunion and next we are heading to Hawaii.

Terry and I honeymooned in Hawaii in 1982 and Terry has always said that she’d like to get back there someday, even though we knew we could never afford that. “In the new system” she always said, meaning in the afterlife, when we are living in a perfect world, we’d go there then.

I’m afraid I’m not that patient.

So, because of several very generous gifts from members of Terry’s family and from my oldest and dearest friend, we decided to spend the money they gave us, along with the kids’ inheritance, and check off another item on the ‘bucket list’ and travel to Kauai for our 32^nd wedding anniversary.

I read that they have great sand there, where Terry can bury her toes and I can bury my head.

Another old friend of mine from my college days had to care for her mother a few years ago who had dementia.  When learning of Terry’s fate she ‘felt my pain’ and sent me two great books to read, ‘Still Alice’ and ‘While I Still Can’.

I have read the first half of both of these books, and they are great. The two characters, who have EOAD, Alice Howland in the one book and Rick Phelps in the other, share many of the same characteristics and problems as my wife Terry.

All three were in there 50s when they were diagnosed with this horrible disease; all three had problems drawing a clock in their meetings with the neurologist, and many more common symptoms. So I could relate to what they, and Terry, are going through.

The problem is, I cannot bring myself to read the second half of these books.

It is not that I am in denial. (no, not da river in northeast Africa). I realize that someone denying that they are in denial does not have the greatest of credibility, but it is true. Unfortunately I do realize what is eventually going to happen.

I also know the second half of these books are going to be pulling at my heart strings and I don’t know if I want that. As a matter of fact I KN OW I don’t want that. Those strings have been stretched to the max lately. Besides, I was never one to go see sad movies or read sad books. If it doesn’t make me fall out of my seat laughing, I usually pass.

I have a feeling there might not be too much to laugh about in the later parts of these books.

When Terry and I first got the news back in April, as you can imagine it was pretty tough. The great doctors gave us literature about what to expect and I could barely get through it. When I go to the Alzheimer’s web site and they start to talk about the latter stages, I have to log off. Too many snot bubbles.

I’m sure that I need to know what to expect and maybe how to handle it, but it is really a tough thing to do. Probably the toughest thing I will ever have to do.

I used to love to watch my kids compete in sports, especially youth soccer and little league baseball and softball. Everybody was having a good time, win or lose. At the young age where the ‘trophies for everyone” philosophy existed.  The emphasis was on participation, not the competiveness of winning or losing.

My son played soccer and ran track in high school, where competition is everything, and I enjoyed that as well, but now he is a triathlete, where he does Ironman races that take him almost 12 hours to complete the 140 miles of swimming, biking and running. I am proud of him for all of the training he does to be able to compete at this level and for accomplishing such daunting tasks, but I can’t bring myself to watch. It seems like such a struggle.

Ever since your kids are babies your instinct is to keep them safe and happy and protect them from anything and everything. Seeing them struggle is extremely tough.

And now I am dreading that is how it is going to be with Terry. Right now when she can’t remember things she can laugh it off most of the time. She still has that great personality I fell in love with 35 years ago.

I am dreading the day when it isn’t the least bit funny.

So eventually I will pull my head out of the sand and read the rest of these books. I have finished a few books about Alzheimer’s already, but they were mainly about what you should eat or different foods (coconut oil) that can help the meds work. Books like that I am all about. Tell me how I can postpone the inevitable as long as I can and I am all in. I’ll read War and Peace if it will help Terry remain the same Terry that we all know and love.

But books telling me how shitty it is going to get?  I am afraid I am not able to bring my head out of the sand just yet to read them.

Too many snot bubbles involved.

Until next time,

Bud