Now What?

By Bud Focht

Hi, my name is Bud and I am now beginning the next phase of my life.

I have enjoyed many phases in my life.

My formative years took place in the 1960s. I was too young to be a hippie, but I wanted to be. I didn’t know what pot was then but I knew I didn’t like the Viet Nam War and I did like Laugh In, the Smothers Brothers and Gilligan’s Island.

The 1970s is when I grew up, attending high school and college. Then I was too busy to be a hippie, I learned what pot was, and I was very glad when the Viet Nam War ended so I would not get drafted.

The 1980s is when I really grew up, getting a real job, getting married and having children.

Since retiring almost two months ago from my job of over 35 years, I am now performing my new full-time job, being a full-time caregiver for my wife Terry, who is in the middle stage of Early Onset Alzheimer’s Disease.

During the first six weeks of my ‘retirement’ I was still working 30 hours a week, from home, writing press releases and game stories, which eased the transition from working to retirement.

But now that is over.

As I ponder my future, I am reminded of the final scene of one of Terry’s favorite movies, Finding Nemo.

In the movie, a group of fish who live in an aquarium in a dentist’s office long for returning to the sea. When the dentist has the aquarium cleaned, he puts the fish in individual bags of water, like when you bring a goldfish home from the pet store.  The fish manage to hop out the window, cross the street and finally off the pier and into the ocean. (I think that was based on a true story, it was so realistic.) So once they make it back to the ocean they celebrate for a few minutes, marvel over their great escape, but then it dawns on them that they are still in bags floating on the surface. “Now what?” one of them asks.

So, now that I am unemployed, home all day, that is what I am now asking myself.

Now what?

I mean I do have a full-time job, taking care of Terry. I am afraid it has truly become full-time these days. She really needs help in everything she does. And I do mean everything.

By the way, with all of the brouhaha in North Carolina with that Bathroom Law, I have discovered one of the greatest inventions of all time: the Family Restroom. The last year or so when Terry and I would go on road trips and stop at rest areas, I would always worry about Terry when she was in the ladies room. There have been a few times when she would not know how to exit unless there were others in there and she would follow them out. But now Terry needs help in there. She needs to be reminded of what she needs to do. That made me very nervous on our most recent road trip to Rhode Island to visit her family. It is a five-hour drive so we need to stop at least once. But when we stopped at the rest stop I was happy to find that there was a Family Restroom that I could go in with her to help.

And that brings up a question. Twice when we were waiting to use the Family Restroom the person using it ahead of us was a single adult. No kids with them needing assistance, which I believe is the reason for these rooms. What’s up with that? Did they just want the privacy? The second time it was a man about my age and when we went in after him the seat was up, so what did he need privacy for?  So the question is, is using a Family Restroom like parking in a handicap parking spot? I think so. If you can just as easily use the regular bathroom, it is not cool to use the Family Restroom. Not cool!

So back to my next phase. In addition to caring for Terry, I need to find something to do with my time. Ideally, it would be something that would pay. But anything constructive will do.

There are plenty of projects around the house that will keep me busy for the next few months. They don’t pay, but the yard and house will be much better off when I complete these chores. Some tree trimming (not putting tinsel and ornaments on the Christmas tree, but cutting back the many overgrown trees in our back yard that are getting too close to the house and utility wires), some painting. Some organizing. Putting summer clothes away and getting more winter clothes out of storage. (I am sure most people have already done that but yesterday I was sitting out back in shorts enjoying 70 degrees of warmth and bright sunshine. Today our oldest daughter the mail carrier saw snow when she was doing her postal route).

So I am looking forward to working around the house. And when we have nice weather, taking long walks with Terry. She loves to take walks and we have been blessed with unseasonably warm weather lately, and the colorful leaves have stayed on the trees much longer than normal, which made for great walks. But I am afraid that, too, is coming to an end. The temperature dropped about 30 degrees today and the wind is blowing about 30 mph. The leaves that are still hanging on for dear life don’t have much of a chance.

In weeks to come we will still walk, without the scenic foliage and without the warm temps. And we will still go on road trips, as long as there are Family Restrooms. Walking and road trips don’t pay cash, but they pay big dividends for Terry.

And that really is my full-time job, preserving and improving Terry’s quality of life.

The quality of the next phase of my life will depend on how long before Terry’s next phase. I pray her current phase lasts as long as possible, because the next phase is not pleasant. Her brain is shrinking. Certain parts of it no longer communicate with other parts, which makes everyday life difficult. The next phase for Terry is when she will no longer be able to communicate with me. Soon after that she won’t even remember me, who I am. That will be hard to take.

But for now we are enjoying life, one day at a time. That is my full-time job. I am glad to do it. I hate that it has to be done, but I am so grateful that I am able to do it.

With the drop in temperatures Terry is like the fish in Finding Nemo. She longs for returning to the sea, the beach, the Jersey Shore, where we enjoyed so many great days this past summer. That is a good six months away, however. God knows what Terry’s condition will be like then, so I am in no hurry to get back to the ocean. I am living for today.

Tomorrow I will ask Now What?

Until next time, enjoy whatever phase your life is in.

Bud

Autumn is Awesome

By Bud Focht

Hi, my name is Bud and I really love autumn.

I don’t think I’ve ever said those four words before. In fact, I am sure I have never said ‘I really love autumn’ before.

First of all, who says autumn? The term is fall. Winter, spring, summer and FALL. No one says autumn unless you are auditioning to be a poet laureate and trying to find a word that rhymes with quorum.

A few hundred years ago it wasn’t even called autumn, it was just called ‘harvest.’ But how many of us these days are busy gathering the ripe crops from the field?

I’m not sure why it is now called fall. Maybe it is because that is what the leaves are now doing.

And that is one of the reasons why I now love the fall. Don’t get me wrong, I don’t have a weird fixation on raking.

But first, why I have never said those four words before. Why I have always HATED autumn. I mean fall.

For the last 38 years fall not only meant the end of summer, my favorite season, but to me it meant seven-day work weeks. I have never been able to enjoy long walks in the cool crisp air, observing the beautiful fall foliage.  I had to work every fallin’ weekend.

Until now. Since I recently gave up my full time job to be a full time caregiver for my wife Terry, who is now in the middle stages of Early Onset Alzheimer’s Disease, I have grown to not only like the fall but to love it.

Over the last few weeks since my “retirement” Terry and I have gone on several walks through various parks in our area and I have never enjoyed the foliage so much.

And I lived in New England for three years, one of the greatest locations in the nation to observe the beautiful array of autumn colors. But for two of the three years I lived up there I worked every weekend.

My first year in New England, however, my first year out of college, I did have a little more time on my hands.  And since I didn’t know anyone after moving 1,400 miles from Miami to Providence, I used my spare time to see the sites. Sites that are on every tourist’s list of things to see in Southern New England; The Newport, RI mansions and cliff walk, Fenway Park, Club Desire Gentleman’s Club.

Growing up I saw fall’s beauty. I’ve seen it in Thomas Kinkade art where the light through the leaves almost glowed like the paintings were electric. I’ve seen it in Norman Rockwell paintings. I’ve seen autumn beauty in sunflower seeds. (Botanists get that joke, botanists and people who buy sunflower seeds for planting)

But I never really embraced the fall, until now.

With the new found spare time I now have, Terry and I have been out and about, enjoying the fall. And it has been great.

Up until now, the only part of the fall I ever enjoyed was the World Series. And I still do that. But now I am able to appreciate the finer things in life.  

The best part of enjoying the fall is being able to do it with Terry. Someone once said “I will remember some of the great things I’ve enjoyed, but I will remember all of the people I enjoyed them with.”

Terry has been loving our walks. She was always an outdoors person, playing sports her whole life. She has been appreciating the beautiful colors of the trees and the crisp air on our walks. She is having a great fall.

And that is the main reason why I am having a great fall. I mean I really do like the foliage, although I’m not that big on raking. Especially when most of the leaves I rake come from trees that are not in our yard. The other day I saw a guy with a leaf blower, blowing the leaves from his yard, from his tree, into his neighbor’s yard. What’s up with that?  Not cool, man, not cool!

I can’t wait until winter, when I snow blow the snow from my driveway onto his.

Not really. I wouldn’t do that. But I’d like to.

What I also really like to do these days is enjoy the fall. And we really are. Giving candy out to the trick or treaters the other night was fun. More fun than working a soccer game, which I have done in the past on most October 31s.

I will be home to watch the Thanksgiving Day parade and cook a turkey this fall for the first time in a while.  That will be more fun than working a basketball game, like I have done most fourth Thursday’s in November over the last few decades.

Since I retired I have still been working, from home, but they finally found a replacement for me and he will start replacing me in a few days. When I heard he was hired it finally sunk in that my 35+ year career was over. And that stung a little bit.

There was an array of emotions. The fear of poverty hit me first. Then the sudden feeling that it is really over. My career. I started to doubt my decision. A large percentage of what I’ve done since 1981 was over. But then I remembered that I could no longer do it and give Terry the attention she now needs. It wasn’t possible to do both. I HAD to make a choice, and I know I made the right one.

So now I am enjoying the fall, and enjoying being a fulltime caregiver. I am spending 24/7 with my wife, and I love that.

And more importantly, she loves it too.

I grew to love my wife almost 40 years ago. And now I have grown to love the fall.

Until next time, enjoy the fall. Or autumn.

Bud