Family Matters, Especially in Tough Times

By Bud Focht

Hi, my name is Bud and with or without Steve Urkel, Family matters.

I recently spent a long weekend in New England, taking my wife Terry to visit her family.

In four days my wife got to see her mother, four sisters, a brother, two brothers-in-law, two nieces, a nephew and his wife, and a handful of great-nieces and great-nephews. (although only one or two of them were great, the others were just good)

During those four days Terry was the happiest she has been in a while. Probably since December when we last visited her family. 

Terry isn’t much of a conversationalist these days.  She always was a quiet person but now most of the talking she does is in response to things I say. But when she was with her siblings and mother she was actually starting conversations, asking questions. It was great to see.

Family truly does matter. Especially in tough times.

I once read that “tough times don’t last, but tough people do.”  I’m afraid I don’t see it that way.

I was extremely saddened to see in today’s paper that one of the toughest women I ever met, Pat Summit, died. I met Coach Summit, the winningest coach in NCAA Division I basketball, in 1980 when my work took me to Knoxville, Tennessee where I witnessed 5,000 fans attending a Lady Vols basketball game, an unheard of attendance figure for women’s basketball back then. Coach Summit won eight NCAA titles at Tennessee and was clearly the Vince Lombardi of women’s basketball.

The real reason it saddened (and scared) me so much is the fact that Coach Summit was diagnosed with Early Onset Alzheimer’s Disease in 2011 and died just five years later at the age of 64.

My wife Terry was diagnosed with Early Onset Alzheimer’s Disease in the spring of 2014 and in five years she will be 64.

Between now and then I hope to be taking Terry to visit her family more and more often. Because our tough times are not only going to last, they are going to get worse.

Another tough person I admired did last, 80-some years, but also passed away yesterday, football coach Buddy Ryan. I have worked closely with about 100 coaches in my career and although I never worked with him, he was one of the ones I respected most. He always spoke his mind, no matter how politically incorrect or no matter how many of his superiors he insulted. I always admired that. That and the fact that he was a defensive genius. (when he was the assistant coach in charge of the defense he once punched the other assistant who was in charge of the offense, during a game! because he thought the offense was losing the game for the team)

Among the many coaches I worked with, the only thing any of them ever punched was a visiting locker room chalkboard during a little too-spirited halftime speech.

Different coaches, just like different people, handle tough situations in different ways.

My family is handling our tough situation pretty well so far. So far.

As Terry’s decline continues, the amount of help she needs is increasing. Luckily, we have great kids who are willing to do whatever it takes to help out. My sister and her daughter don’t live too far away, and I am afraid it is getting closer to the point where I am going to have to ask them for help as well.

I am not ready to seek professional help yet. As long as Terry knows who I am, I want to be, I need to be, her caregiver. There will be a day when we are going to have to go that route, with professional help, but we aren’t there yet.

So it is time for the tough to get going, because the going is starting to get tough. And is only going to get tougher down the road.

But I don’t think about ‘down the road’ that often.  At least I try not to. I know I should, I know I have to eventually, at least that is what my friends and family tell me. But I just can’t. The only thing that keeps me going is trying to enjoy today.

In the song Quiet Your Mind Zack Brown sings “Soak it all in. It’s a game you can’t win.  Enjoy the ride.”

In the Bible Isaiah said “Let us eat and drink; for tomorrow we shall die.”

That has become by motto. I try to live in the moment.  Someone once said: “Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.” Not sure who it was.

It was either Albert Einstein or Steve Urkel.

Until next time, enjoy the ride, and your family, while you can.

Bud