Family Matters, Especially in Tough Times

By Bud Focht

Hi, my name is Bud and with or without Steve Urkel, Family matters.

I recently spent a long weekend in New England, taking my wife Terry to visit her family.

In four days my wife got to see her mother, four sisters, a brother, two brothers-in-law, two nieces, a nephew and his wife, and a handful of great-nieces and great-nephews. (although only one or two of them were great, the others were just good)

During those four days Terry was the happiest she has been in a while. Probably since December when we last visited her family. 

Terry isn’t much of a conversationalist these days.  She always was a quiet person but now most of the talking she does is in response to things I say. But when she was with her siblings and mother she was actually starting conversations, asking questions. It was great to see.

Family truly does matter. Especially in tough times.

I once read that “tough times don’t last, but tough people do.”  I’m afraid I don’t see it that way.

I was extremely saddened to see in today’s paper that one of the toughest women I ever met, Pat Summit, died. I met Coach Summit, the winningest coach in NCAA Division I basketball, in 1980 when my work took me to Knoxville, Tennessee where I witnessed 5,000 fans attending a Lady Vols basketball game, an unheard of attendance figure for women’s basketball back then. Coach Summit won eight NCAA titles at Tennessee and was clearly the Vince Lombardi of women’s basketball.

The real reason it saddened (and scared) me so much is the fact that Coach Summit was diagnosed with Early Onset Alzheimer’s Disease in 2011 and died just five years later at the age of 64.

My wife Terry was diagnosed with Early Onset Alzheimer’s Disease in the spring of 2014 and in five years she will be 64.

Between now and then I hope to be taking Terry to visit her family more and more often. Because our tough times are not only going to last, they are going to get worse.

Another tough person I admired did last, 80-some years, but also passed away yesterday, football coach Buddy Ryan. I have worked closely with about 100 coaches in my career and although I never worked with him, he was one of the ones I respected most. He always spoke his mind, no matter how politically incorrect or no matter how many of his superiors he insulted. I always admired that. That and the fact that he was a defensive genius. (when he was the assistant coach in charge of the defense he once punched the other assistant who was in charge of the offense, during a game! because he thought the offense was losing the game for the team)

Among the many coaches I worked with, the only thing any of them ever punched was a visiting locker room chalkboard during a little too-spirited halftime speech.

Different coaches, just like different people, handle tough situations in different ways.

My family is handling our tough situation pretty well so far. So far.

As Terry’s decline continues, the amount of help she needs is increasing. Luckily, we have great kids who are willing to do whatever it takes to help out. My sister and her daughter don’t live too far away, and I am afraid it is getting closer to the point where I am going to have to ask them for help as well.

I am not ready to seek professional help yet. As long as Terry knows who I am, I want to be, I need to be, her caregiver. There will be a day when we are going to have to go that route, with professional help, but we aren’t there yet.

So it is time for the tough to get going, because the going is starting to get tough. And is only going to get tougher down the road.

But I don’t think about ‘down the road’ that often.  At least I try not to. I know I should, I know I have to eventually, at least that is what my friends and family tell me. But I just can’t. The only thing that keeps me going is trying to enjoy today.

In the song Quiet Your Mind Zack Brown sings “Soak it all in. It’s a game you can’t win.  Enjoy the ride.”

In the Bible Isaiah said “Let us eat and drink; for tomorrow we shall die.”

That has become by motto. I try to live in the moment.  Someone once said: “Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow.” Not sure who it was.

It was either Albert Einstein or Steve Urkel.

Until next time, enjoy the ride, and your family, while you can.

Bud

A Woman in Charge

By Bud Focht

Hi, my name is Bud and this very well could be the dawning of the Age of Aquarius.

Or Armageddon.

It’s one of those half-full/ optimistic situations. Some feel, and with good reason, it is not only a half-empty/ pessimistic situation but a both halves-empty/pessimistic situation.

Whether you like it or not, whether you want to admit it or not, we are about to have a woman president.  

Or, we are about to witness the end of times.

Maybe both.

It wasn’t that long ago when Miss Ellie wanted to run for town council and the entire population of Mayberry was divided between the men and the womenfolk. They worried it was the end of civilization as they knew it.

It was.

Some 55 years later, the United States is about to catch up with the rest of the world and have a woman in charge.

Germany has Angela Merkel as Chancellor.  Liberia has President Ellen Johnson-Sirleaf.  Frozen had Elsa of Arendelle.

And now, We the People are about to have a woman in charge. Whether it forms a more perfect union or not is yet to be determined.

Who would have thunk it? Or, as one Cooperstown resident Richie “Whitey” Ashburn used to say to his long-time TV/radio booth partner and fellow Baseball Hall of Famer Harry Kalas, “Hard to believe, Harry.”

I mean, we are either going to have a woman president, or we are all in a large hand basket heading to hell.

Maybe both.

Remember, they laughed at Noah when he was running around asking ‘how long is a cubit?’ Before him, they laughed at Job. (rhymes with robe for you non-Bible readers).

If we don’t elect a woman, it will truly be the 11th sign of the Apocalypse, if the orange guy wins. (You know why the orange guy has that weird hairstyle, don’t you?  It covers up the 666 birthmark on his head.)

Some feel electing a woman president would be a sign of the Apocalypse.

I think having a woman in charge might not be the worst thing. Take it from the voice of experience.

My second year out of college the man who hired me for my first job took a leave of absence and a woman took his place. Twenty years through my career a woman was hired and implanted (no pun intended) into a position between me and my boss. I survived both times.

Many cultures and religions believe that the man is in charge, and the woman is supposed to be submissive to him. Not necessarily submissive like Anastasia in 50 Shades of Grey, mind you, but submissive to the point that what the man says goes. In the home (or Grey’s bedroom) and in the village as well.

In the Bible, 1 Timothy says “Let a woman learn quietly with all submissiveness. I do not permit a woman to teach or to exercise authority over a man, rather she is to remain quiet.”

Wow!  Paul wrote that in a letter in the year 62. I’m not sure that philosophy has held up over the years. At least not in most cultures.

No, the thinking of keeping the women barefoot and pregnant while the men go out and run the world has seen its day.

Our country is about to have a woman in charge, and it isn’t even Oprah.

For the first 30 years of our marriage my wife Terry was in charge of the house. Even though she worked, she worked a fraction of the hours I did so she kept the checkbook, she paid the bills and she did the shopping. I would help when I could, which was a fair amount of the time.

For the last 30 months, however, I have had to gradually take on all of the responsibilities around the house and the reason seems anything but fair.

I long for the days when my wife was in charge. In charge of the cooking, in charge of the cleaning, in charge of anything. But now her Early Onset Alzheimer’s disease prevents her from taking charge of anything.

I have to admit that I was never from the school of thought that said the man is naturally the boss and what he says goes. My marriage with Terry was always based on us being partners. When I was home I changed a shit-load of diapers. (okay, pun intended). I cooked many a meal (on the grill). I did the dishes and cleaned the house (if Terry was sick or if I made the mess when she was gone).

Now I sometimes feel sorry for myself because I no longer have a partner. I don’t mean just my helpmate, someone to share the chores. I mean my soulmate, the person I chose to share my life with.  I no longer have my confidant.

She was my moral compass.

Now I have to make ALL of the decisions around the house, and I do mean ALL. What Terry wants to eat, what she should wear today. When she should shower or go to the bathroom.

I would love to have a woman in charge. My woman in charge. In charge of my home again. But that’s not going to happen.

What is going to happen though is that a woman is going to be in charge of the United States.

Or, it will be the end of times. 

Maybe both.

No one knows the time or day when it will happen. But signs are pointing toward it.

Until next time, get used to saying “Yes, Ma’am.” And say your prayers.

Bud