Don’t Tell the Worry Wart

By Bud Focht

Hi, my name is Bud and for the first time in my life I find myself keeping secrets from my wife.

It is not that I am being deceitful, just a little secretive. Eventually I come clean, but not until I have to.

I realize that does not sound very good, sounds like a lot of cheating husbands. But trust me; it is for her own good. (That sounds worse). 

Let me explain.

My wife Terry has become worrisome. This is a trait she never had before. Her faith has always helped her stay calm. She has always been able to put things she cannot control in God’s hands. These days she gets nervous about what lies ahead.

We are all nervous about what lies ahead for Terry, who has Early Onset Alzheimer’s Disease, a disease that only gets worse with time.

But Terry is nervous about the immediate future, if I happen to tell her about it. I have discovered that, if I don’t tell her, she is fine.

Terry has long been my shotgun rider, accompanying me on road trips. She has always enjoyed them and so have I. This time of year I make a lot of road trips and it gives me peace of mind having her with me.

Lately, however, if I tell her we are making a road trip, she gets nervous about it and works herself up into a fret and is scared to go. She gets so nervous that it affects her stomach (and lower). I think that is what worries her the most, the fear of having an accident (not with the car, either).

It is a vicious cycle. She gets nervous and it bothers her stomach, and then she gets nervous about her stomach being upset on a road trip.

But if I don’t tell her in advance, and then right before we go tell her, she is fine and she wants to go.

I believe her fears stem from the fear of the unknown. Because of her hippocampus no longer working, Terry has difficulty picturing what will happen next. That is why I had to take the car keys away from her a little over a year ago. She could no longer picture in her head how to get places, places she had been hundreds of times.

Now if I tell her we are going to make a trip, she has trouble picturing it and she gets scared, nervous. So, I no longer tell her. That is, until the last minute.

It started a few weeks ago when I had to travel to Maryland, a three-hour drive. We planned and talked about the trip for weeks, but the day we were scheduled to go Terry backed out. She was scared. She wanted to stay home, one of the only places where she feels secure without me.

Fortunately, our youngest was able to come home that night and stay a few hours with her and make her supper.

It happened again the following week; Terry just wanted to stay home.

So last week when we had a three-hour trip to Connecticut, I didn’t tell her. I just came home from work and said let’s go, and she was fine. She wanted to go. And she had a good time. No accidents.

So that is what I have to do from now on, just not tell her.

I am afraid that is easier said than done. I have always been one to plan everything out, and I need to say my plans out loud, using Terry as a sounding board. It is tough not having that partner anymore, someone to discuss things with. Someone to give me a different opinion on things.  Someone to give me advice.

I miss that.

I miss being honest with my wife. I miss planning things with her.

But if being a bit secretive is the only way to have her come with me and enjoy the trips, so be it.  It is a small sacrifice for me to pay to have her company on the trips. To know she is safe and happy.

It turns out that honestly is not always the best policy when it comes to dealing with my Terry.

Until next time, I’ll be keeping my plans to myself.

Bud