Can’t Stress Enough My Joy of Caregiving

By Bud Focht

Hi, my name is Bud and contrary to popular belief, I do not need a break from caregiving. I don’t want a break from caregiving. I love caregiving.

Don’t get me wrong, I don’t like the fact that I NEED to be a caregiver, in fact I hate it, but I accept it as my calling.

I have now been a caregiver for 16 months, since my 53-year old wife Terry was diagnosed with Early Onset Alzheimer’s Disease.

I have read where like me, caregivers devote a significant amount of time and energy to the person with Alzheimer’s disease. Too often, caregivers do not recognize their own needs, fail to do anything about them or do not know where to turn for help.

Not me.

I also read that caregivers are more likely to experience high levels of emotional stress, depression, anxiety, impaired immune system response, health impairments, lost wages and depleted finances than non-caregivers.

Okay, maybe me on some of those.

I read that some warning signs of caregiver stress include:

-denial about the disease and the effect on the person who is diagnosed.

Nope.

-anger about lack of treatment options for Alzheimer’s.

Some.

-social withdrawal from friends or activities that once brought pleasure.

Definitely!

I used to go to a lot major league baseball games with my friends, about 20 a year. I saw a no-hitter in a playoff game, I saw a World Series victory. Last year I think I went to just four games. This year, zero.

I used to frequent the local taverns with my friends a couple of times a week. Now, maybe two or three times a month, and only on nights when Terry is out with her Bible Study group.

My friends recently made their annual trip to New York, to walk around the city that never sleeps and to take in a Yankee game. For the second year in a row, I had to decline. I could not justify spending a great day with my friends instead of spending the day with my wife Terry.  Terry needs me. She always tells me how much she likes being with me, and she thanks me for keeping her safe.

She used to just say that (thanks for keeping me safe) after a day at the beach, when I hold her hands when we go into the rough surf. But she is saying it more often now. She realizes she cannot survive on her own anymore.

My friends and family members tell me I need some time away from my caregiving duties for my own sanity, for my own well-being. They tell me I need a break. They have even volunteered to stay with Terry so I can go out or have their wives stay with Terry so I can go out with them.

I appreciate that very much, I really do, but I always decline. For now. I realize in the future I may have to take them up on their offers, but not now. Not yet.

There are too many times when I HAVE to be away from Terry due to work. I can’t be away from her just to have a good time. She needs me. Terry can no longer function on her own.

The truth is, if I am not with Terry, I am worrying about her, if she is okay, if she is happy. It is more stressful for me to be away from her than it ever is for me taking care of her.

Now, when I go to work, I make the 30 minute drive home at lunch time to be with her, to make sure she is okay, content.  Simply calling her on the phone to make sure she is okay doesn’t quite cut it.  I am like ‘Doubting Thomas.’ I need to see it.

I read that some warning signs of caregiver stress include anxiety, depression, exhaustion, sleeplessness, irritability, lack of concentration and health problems.

It is true, I am anxious. I am full of mental distress, uneasiness, because of fear of what the future holds. I am depressed. Wouldn’t you be if you were told your best friend, your partner, your soul mate, the mother of your kids, has a disease that has no cure and is only going to get worse, now on almost a daily basis? I am exhausted. I have been taking care of myself for a long time now, but taking care of two people is exhausting. At least when I was taking care of the kids I had my partner to help.

I have been a light sleeper ever since the kids were born. They could sneeze or fart in the middle of the night and I would hear it. These days I wake up five to 10 times a night, and not just because my prostate is the size of a softball. I just want to look at Terry, see her pretty face, relaxed and carefree, as she sleeps.

I don’t think I am irritable, and if you say that I am I’ll punch you in the face.

I don’t think I suffer from a lack of concentration. My concentration level is about the same as it always has been.

Now, where was I? I seem to have lost by train of thought. Oh yea, Health problems. So far, so good. Healthy as a horse. A fat horse, anyway.

No, I don’t think I need a break from caregiving. Not yet, anyway.

I can’t get enough of being with my best friend, my wife. I realize our time together is short. It won’t be long before her awareness gets to the point where she no longer…

Well, let’s just say there will be a day in the not-to-distant future where we might not recognize each other.  When that day arrives, I will let others help take care of her.

But until then, I am spending as much time with my wife as I can.

I miss the ballgames and the tailgating; I miss the nights out with the guys. I miss spending time with my lifelong friend, my ‘brother from a different mother’.  But that can’t compare to how much I am going to miss my wife Terry.

So if I have to be a caregiver to spend time with my wife, so be it. I can handle it. It is a little stressful, yes. But that is a small price to pay to be with the greatest person I have ever known.

So thanks for everyone who wants to help in my caregiving efforts. I really do appreciate it. But I am not ready to share those responsibilities. Not yet.

Until next time, I will not be taking a break from caregiving. It’s what I do. It is my calling.

Bud