Memorial Days

By Bud Focht

Hi my name is Bud and Memorial Day has always been by favorite federal holiday.

There are many federal holidays I like; Fourth of July, Thanksgiving, Christmas. But Columbus Day? Washington’s Birthday? Inauguration Day? Just an excuse for some people other than me to have a day off from work.

Yes, Memorial Day is my favorite, but probably not for the right reasons.

Memorial Day was intended to be a day for remembering the people who have died while serving their country in the armed forces. It used to be called Decoration Day back in the Civil War days, when the grave sites of buried soldiers would be decorated with flowers and ribbons.

But that was a little before my time.

I realize that these heroes, who have fallen in all of our wars, deserve everyone’s respect and gratitude for their service. But we already have another federal holiday to serve that purpose, Veteran’s Day. Should we discriminate between veterans who lived and those who died? I mean no disrespect when I say soldiers are not supposed to die for their country, they are supposed to make the enemy die for his country.

Sometimes the ones who come home from war suffer more than the ones who do not.

But that is fodder for a totally different blog.

On a lighter note, to me, Memorial Day has always meant the start of summer, just like Labor Day marks the end of summer. (I just got a bad feeling by simply thinking of the END of summer. We are still a month away from the summer solstice, for Pete’s sake)

Of course, the official start of summer is when the Summer Solstice takes place. That is when the Earth’s tilt is most inclined toward the sun, on June 21. I am afraid I can’t wait that long to begin enjoying summer. I usually try to start on Memorial Day.

My 70-hour work weeks usually end around Memorial Day, as does my working nights and weekends.

And memorial doesn’t always have to mean something associated with death. A memorial can be any object that serves as a focus for memory of something.

Since my wife Terry was diagnosed with Early Onset Alzheimer’s Disease her short term memory has gradually gotten worse and worse.  Eventually it will affect her long-term memory as well, and unfortunately we are starting to get into that area.

When Terry was first diagnosed I began making her write in a “memory book” as often as possible. It was intended to help her remember what she did that day, and when she goes back and reads it sometime in the future hopefully it would help trigger certain memories that her ‘out of service’ hippocampus can no longer help her find.

Before I had spell-checker I had Terry. I was always the worst speller I knew, and when the kids were growing up and we were helping them with their homework, it was always Terry who would act as the dictionary. I was such a bad speller I had trouble even finding the word in the dictionary. Even now, I sometimes butcher a word so bad that even the spell-checker can’t help.

But lately I have noticed that Terry can no longer spell simple words. We were making a shopping list the other day and she couldn’t spell ‘garlic’.

Terry and I recently had one last work-related road trip (last of this academic school year, anyway) and for the most part it went great. Even though I was working Terry and I were together 24 hours a day for the four days so in that respect it was tremendous.

The first day we traveled and I had to work that evening. The second day in the hotel we showered to begin the day. The third day we had an early start so while I showered Terry just washed up at the sink. The fourth day, before we began our trip home, Terry went to shower and didn’t know how to work it. I showed her, even though I didn’t have to show her just two days before. After a while when I heard the water turn off I went in to make sure everything was okay. When she opened the shower curtain, her face was covered with soap suds and her hair was dry. She forgot to rinse her face off and to wash her hair.

That was a first.

When I made a crude remark of what she looked like she got a kick out of it and laughed it off, as she often does. Thank God she has such a good sense of humor.

But it scared me.

It seems no matter how much we are enjoying life every once in a while there is a sudden reminder of the shit we are in.

Not being able to spell a word that even I can do without spell-checker. Forgetting to rinse the soap off your face or wash your hair.

These occurrences are happening more and more frequently now. I am afraid the ‘end of days’ is coming. The great tribulation. Armageddon.

And it is scary.  

Terry’s beliefs in God (she calls him by his ‘old school’ name, Jehovah), Heaven and the afterlife, along with her Bible Studies, tell her that the end is near. That Satan has taken over this world and it is only a matter of time before God pulls the plug. Remember from your Sunday School teachings Sodom and Gomorrah? How about Noah and his Ark. Things got so bad God had to step in and say ‘enough is enough’ or something like that.

Well, to be honest, I would not mind that. Not that I am suicidal or anything. But many years ago one of my kids asked me how I would like to die, if I could choose. I said I hope I am surrounded by my family and I got hit in the head with a nuclear bomb.

And I was serious. That way there would be no loved ones left behind to mourn, which in my opinion is the worst part of death. We would all go together, and, hopefully to a better place.

I would not mind if we ALL went, before Terry’s condition gets to the point where there would be great suffering all around.

Until next time, have a great Memorial Day. Remember those that left you behind, and begin to enjoy summer. Who knows, it could be your last.

Bud

Post Script

Speaking of the Summer Solstice, that is often called the ‘longest day’ due to the amount of time that day between sun up and sun down. The Alzheimer’s Association celebrates the ‘Longest Day’ by holding a fund-raiser on June 21. It is a sunrise-to-sunset event to honor the strength, passion and endurance of those living with Alzheimer’s and their caregivers. More on that later (as long as I don’t get hit in the head with a nuclear bomb before then, that is).

Mother’s Day

By Bud Focht

Hi, my name is Bud and I hope you and your family had a happy Mother’s Day.

Despite the fact that I had to work nine hours on Saturday and seven hours on Sunday, my Mother’s Day was pretty good.

Fortunately, I have great kids.

Even before my wife Terry was diagnosed with Early Onset Alzheimer’s Disease, our three children have always gone out of their way to make sure their mother knew how much she means to them.

In our family it was never about buying a nice card or candy, but to do something to show your love for your Mother.

Anna Jarvas would have been proud.

Anna Jarvas is believed to be the person responsible for starting, and almost stopping, Mother’s Day.

Jarvas held a memorial for her mother in West Virginia back in 1908 in a church that to this day holds the International Mother’s Day Shrine.  She campaigned to make Mother’s Day a recognized holiday and within three years all US states, with West Virginia being the first, observed the holiday. In 1911 President Wilson signed the proclamation creating Mother’s Day, the second Sunday in May, a national holiday to honor mothers.

But that wasn’t good enough for Jarvas. She even tried to rescind the holiday once companies like Hallmark began selling Mother’s Day cards and candies. Jarvas was embittered by what she saw as misinterpretation and exploitation. The holiday she wanted was supposed to be about sentiment, not profit. She felt people should write their own personal letters to their mothers or visit them, express love and gratitude, instead of buying gifts and pre-made greeting cards.

She fought the commercialization of Mother’s Day by organizing boycotts and threatening lawsuits. She once crashed a candy makers’ convention in Philadelphia and another time was arrested for disturbing the peace.

When our kids were little they never got arrested or boycotted anything (except maybe some of my cooking) but they did make their own Mother’s Day cards. And I always told them that the best present they could give their mother was to be good and don’t make me or their mother yell at them that day.

Over the years I have almost always had to work on Mother’s Day, so it was always up to the kids to show their mother a good day. This year was no exception.

All three came home on Saturday to make Terry a nice brunch and later a fine dinner. They spent time with her and had a great day. On Sunday my son and his dog picked Terry up and they enjoyed a nice walk in the woods and around the ball field where I was working.

Spending time with her children is the best way Terry can enjoy her day.

Since the kids graduated from high school Terry hasn’t really seen them that much. Certainly not as much as I have been lucky enough to do.  When the kids were growing up I was always the one away from home at work, while Terry either had the kids with her at work or she was home with them.

All three of our kids went to college where I work and while there all three worked for either me or for my secretary. I saw more of my kids when they were in college than I did when they were in high school and living at home, which was great.

But it was also tough on Terry. I would see the kids so much that I often forgot that Terry was not seeing them, and she missed them.  When the two oldest were at college the youngest was still at home so it wasn’t too bad, but when the youngest went to college and the oldest were living on their own, the empty nest was sometimes lonely for Terry.

That is even truer today, now that Terry doesn’t really work much anymore. She is home alone more now than she has ever been in her life, and the worst part is now that she has the time for leisure, she can’t really appreciate it.

It is tough for Terry to amuse herself, to take advantage of the leisure time. She can’t go anywhere, she no longer finds enjoyment in reading or even watching television, except for sports.

Terry used to read books, but now she can’t. By the time she finishes a chapter, she cannot remember what happened in the previous chapter. Even watching movies or television shows, it is hard for her to follow the plot.

But sports are the saving grace. When you watch sports the score is almost always on the screen, so she doesn’t have to try to remember who is winning. The game clock or the inning is also on the screen, so that helps her to follow the flow of the game.

It was a blessing that Terry grew up a sports fan.

My kids and I have always been a fan of Terry’s. She was a great Mom when the kids were younger, instilling in them good morals along with a fun-loving nature. She took great care of them when I was away from home with work.

Now the tables have turned. Now they come home and take care of her when I am away from home.

I have always been a big believer in karma. Good intent and good deeds contribute to good karma and future happiness. Bad intent and bad deeds contribute to bad karma and future suffering.

Because Terry was such a great mother to her kids, they were brought up right and have continued to do the right thing. And now, the right thing is to help take care of their mother.

Whether it is Mother’s Day or not.

Until next time, I hope you and your family had a great Mother’s Day. At our house now, every day is Mother’s Day.

Bud

May Day

By Bud Focht

Hi, my name is Bud and today is May 1, and in many parts of the world today is celebrated as May Day.

May Day is an ancient spring festival, involving dancing around the maypole, singing and eating cake.

I’m thinking it must be a big deal if it involves cake.

In olden times towns and villages would celebrate the coming of spring on this date. Most farmers had already planted their crops by May 1 so it was a day the laborers could have off from work to celebrate the end of a long, cold winter, and the promise of more pleasant days to follow.

May has always been my favorite month. My work load begins to ease in May and my hours worked per week begin to decline.  Most importantly, May brings with it the anticipation of the arrival of summer.

I have always been a boy of summer.

That is reason enough to celebrate May 1. May Day.

There is also another Mayday. One that, unfortunately, I am becoming more and more aware of.

Mayday is an emergency procedure word used internationally as a distress signal. It is used primarily by sailors and pilots, and always said three times for emphasis (Mayday, Mayday, Mayday). It comes from the French word m’aidez which means “help me.”

There have been plenty of times in the last year, since my wife Terry was diagnosed with Early Onset Alzheimer’s Disease, that I wanted to call out Mayday-Mayday-Mayday. In the last 12 months there has been plenty of distress. Plenty of times when I didn’t think I was going to make it. Plenty of times when I asked the Good Lord to “help me.”

May Day has also become the International Workers’ Day, a day to celebrate not only the hard work performed all year long but the eight hour work day. The balance of eight hours of working, eight hours of sleeping and eight hours of leisure. It commemorates the Haymarket affair, which occurred in Chicago 130 years ago, a peaceful rally in support of workers striking for an eight hour day that turned violent.

May 1 is also the feast day of St. Joseph the Worker, a carpenter, and the Catholic patron saint of all workers.

My wife Terry has worked for over 30 years in a variety of jobs. When we first got married she taught a 6am aerobics class at the local YMCA. For the life of me I could not figure out why people would pay to take a fitness class at that ungodly hour. I was happy that Terry got paid to lead that class, however.

That job grew into a full time job at the “Y” working with youngsters, teaching gymnastics to toddlers. “Gym-Jam” it was called.

That was the greatest job for us. The “Y” was right down the street and with the free day care they had, our two oldest kids practically grew up at the “Y”. It was a great atmosphere for them and the day care room was literally right across the hall from the gym that Terry called her office.

During the summer Terry ran the YMCA summer Day Camp. Basically she got paid to play with kids outside all summer. Again, it was great for her and our kids.

But all good things have to come to an end sooner or later. Terry was so well liked at the “Y” and did such a good job that they promoted her, to a different “Y” and to a different job, one that involved more money but also more responsibilities. It was also a job that she did not enjoy.

After the “Y” Terry at different times taught physical education and a computers course at a grade school, she was a postal carrier (what we used to call a Mailman before the age of political correctness), a grade school athletics director and a track & field coach, and later worked at the shopping mall at a Sears. (She never could find out for me what the people at Sears ever did with Roebuck)

For the past several years she has worked in a doctor’s office where they help people lose weight and keep the weight off. The running joke in the office is that Terry is the “after” picture in the “before and after”, since she weighs in at a whopping 102 pounds.

But I am afraid Terry’s working days are coming to an end. She can no longer perform the duties she once was hired to do. She is now limited to working one day a week, about five hours each Friday. Most of the responsibilities she once had are tasks she can no longer perform.  Her cognitive impairment prevents her from performing them.

The worst part about Terry not working is not the lack of income, but the lack of input. Getting out of the house and interacting with others is so good for her. The brain is a muscle and it needs to be exercised. Working was very good for Terry.

On the plus side, not working will give Terry more time with me during the summer.

From the end of August until the end of May I cannot take any vacation (except for emergencies) due to my heavy work schedule and since I’ve been at this present job for 34 years, I have compiled quite a few vacation days. So during the summer, to make up for my lack of weekends during the year, I take Fridays and Mondays off.  

For the past few summers Monday has been our beach day. The Jersey Shore (not the one with Snooki and the Situation or any of the other low-lifes in that MTV reality show but the Atlantic Ocean) is only an hour’s drive from our front door to the beach, so we make that commute every Monday that we can.  We don’t ever go to the Shore on weekends, though. What was it that the great orator Yogi Berra once said about a restaurant he used to frequent? “Nobody ever goes there anymore, it is always too crowded.”

So on this May Day, while others are honoring the working class and celebrating the arrival of spring, Terry is slowly bringing her working career to a close.  It is just another thing on the list of things that Terry can no longer do. It is sad, but something we saw coming.

Hopefully, with her lack of working we will be able to enjoy the upcoming spring and summer months more. We always have in the past, and we don’t know how many more we will have in the future.

Until next time, hope you had a great May Day, and have no reason to cry out mayday, mayday, mayday.

Bud