With a Little Help from My Friends

By Bud Focht

Hi, my name is Bud and like Billy Shears, I get by with a little help from my friends.

Billy Shears, a member of Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band and the alter ego of Beatle drummer Ringo Starr, is asked questions about the meaning of friendship and true love in the second song on one of the most famous rock albums of all time (the first rock album to ever win a Grammy for Album of the Year in 1968). 

Shears answers the questions put to him by saying that he “gets by with a little help from his friends.”

That is something that I have finally learned how to do.

It has been a year now since I have become a caregiver, after my wife Terry was diagnosed with Early Onset Alzheimer’s Disease, and I am finally allowing others to help me with this labor of love.

At first I felt that, since Terry is my wife, my partner, that this responsibility rests on my shoulders and my shoulders alone. I was not about to out-source this job, this responsibility.

In my early research of this disease, along with the advice I was given by the neurologists and neuropsychologists, I was informed how much of a burden it could be for a caregiver.  But most of the reading I was doing was talking about people caring for a parent or a grandparent.  And I can see how that could become somewhat of a burden.

But the love between spouses, between partners, between soulmates, is so different, so unconditional, that I felt it would never be a burden to me. And I still feel that way. I never wanted to push any of my responsibilities onto my children, certainly not onto my friends.

But as Terry’s condition has worsened, and with my busy work schedule, it became more and more difficult for me to do it all. I needed help. Even though I wanted to more than anything, I just couldn’t be there for Terry 24 hours a day. 

In the beginning I tried, but in the beginning it was not a 24 hour job. Terry could still perform certain tasks, even though they were a bit tougher for her. She could still drive to local places. She could still prepare her own meals. She could still work. She could still do housework. She could still find ways to keep herself busy while I was at work or on a road trip.

That is no longer the case.

Every day I thank the Good Lord for my three terrific children and for the best friend that anyone could possibly have.

My kids are all grown, out of the house and have their own lives to lead. Asking them to travel 30 to 60 minutes to come home and help me was something I have fought all along. I wanted them to come home when they wanted to come home, not when I asked them to come home.

And they’ve been great. They come home many weekends to spend time with their mother, regardless if I am there or not. They don’t come home because I need them to come home, they come home because they truly enjoy being with their mother.

But with Terry having more and more difficulty performing the tasks that used to be so easy for her, I need the kids to help give her rides to places when I am not around. To fix her supper when I am working. To give Terry her medicine when I am out of town.

The other night Terry had a 7pm appointment. I could not get home from work until 7:30 that night, and without me asking, my oldest and dearest friend Jack volunteered to pick Terry up and take her. Terry was extremely grateful, as was I.

Up until that point Jack’s main role in this drama has been to try to keep me sane, to give me advice and to give me his undying support.

You can’t make old friends.

Other old friends, from my youth, my college days in Miami and from my years living in Rhode Island, have reached out to me with such great support. Old friends who had relatives, parents or parents-in-law, who have had this terrible disease. They have seen it and they have an appreciation for what we are going through.

Terry also has friends who are also helping us. Since Terry only works one day and about five hours a week, she is often home alone while I am working. Terry’s friends from her Bible Study have begun picking her up a few times a week and taking her out on Bible Studies.

When I come home from work I can honestly tell the difference in Terry on days that she has been out. The interaction is so good for her.

A lot of people feel sorry for me, feel sorry for Terry, for the shitty hand that we’ve been dealt.  But, honestly, I feel lucky.   Of course, not because of Terry’s EOAD, but because of the friends and family that I have supporting us during this chapter of our lives.

Obviously, it sucks. But the outpouring of love and help we have received has been nothing less than overwhelming.

In my early research it was the caregiving that was supposed to be overwhelming.

As Terry’s condition continues to deteriorate, I am sure I will be needing more and more help. Especially next fall when, after a relaxing and enjoyable summer, my work schedule again picks up.

I will try to keep the words of Billy Shears in mind. And three years before anyone ever heard of Sgt. Pepper, the Lads from Liverpool made a movie, a cross between the Marx Brothers “Duck Soup” and a James Bond movie, entitled Help!

In the title song, John Lennon wrote:

When I was younger, so much younger than today

I never needed anybody’s help in any way

But now these days are gone I’m not so self-assured

Now I find I’ve changed my mind and opened up the doors.

I have opened up the doors, to my family and friends, for their help in my caregiving. At first I was reluctant, but those days are gone. Now, whatever I can do to help Terry, to help make her life easier and more pleasant, I am doing. If that means relying on others, so be it.

Until next time, remember that in The End, the love you take is equal to the love you make. Create love and you will get love in return.

Bud