Might as Well Face it I’m Addicted to Love

By Bud Focht

Hi, my name is Bud and I am a wifeaholic.

I have come to realize that I am addicted to my wife Terry.

Terry and I have been married for almost 33 years now and my feelings for her have never been stronger.  And we see more of each other now than we ever have.

My job involves working weekends and many nights. This time of year I work 70 hours a week. When Terry and I were first married we used to tell people that my work schedule was the reason why we never fight, because we never see each other long enough to fight.

Before Terry and I celebrated our third wedding anniversary we already had two kids (before we realized what was causing it), so we never really spent that much time together as a couple. We became parents.

When the kids were little we used to schedule our time off at different times so one of us was always available to watch the kids, take them to school or practice or anywhere they needed to go.  That added to our time apart.

But now that the kids are grown and self-sufficient, we are together so much more. I began taking my summer vacation days when Terry was NOT working so we could spend them together. We were enjoying being ‘empty-nesters.’

Since Terry was diagnosed with Early Onset Alzheimer’s Disease, we have come to realize how precious our time is.  So now Terry and I are always together.  Now, the only night I go out with my friends is the night that Terry has her Bible Study.

My work involves making road trips, especially during the winter months. Now that the kids are grown Terry takes the road trips with me, and we have a great time. It is still work for me but the travel time to and from the job is time spent together.  And we both love it.

My office is close to 20 miles away from home and it takes almost 30 minutes to make the commute.  Lately I have been taking longer lunches and going home to spend midday with Terry. In my mind, my 70-hour work week justifies taking a two-hour lunch time. Plus I have my lap top at home so I can answer e-mails and do some work while I am home with Terry during the day.

At first I was going home during the day and staying home in the evenings to care for Terry. To keep her company and make sure she doesn’t burn the house down or forget to eat.

But I have come to realize that I am not just doing it for her, but for me too. When I am at work I miss her. I miss being with her. In the evenings our life would appear pretty dull; watching TV or listening to music, putting together a jigsaw puzzle or playing scrabble.  But it isn’t dull or boring, not at all. Because it doesn’t matter what we are doing, as long as we do it together.

I am afraid I am addicted.

This past Thanksgiving I was away from home for over a week. That is when I first realized that I had a problem. I used to try to kid myself, saying that I could give up spending so much time with her if I had to. That I didn’t NEED to be with her, I just LIKED being with her.

I was living in denial.

So now that I have admitted that I have an addiction, I am not sure what to do about it. I don’t think there are any meetings I can go to. Even if there were, I wouldn’t go to them unless they were on the night Terry has her Bible Study.

No, I just have to learn to live with my addiction.

When Terry was first diagnosed with EOAD I did a lot of research about what was happening to her brain, with the build-up of plaques, with her hippocampus going on the fritz. Now I am looking into what is happening to my brain.

Dopamine is the reward system of the brain. It plays a role in regulating feelings of pleasure. My spending time with Terry seems to heighten my dopaminergic activity. The time I spend with her results in repeated release of high amounts of dopaminergic activity, which in turn affects the reward pathway directly through heightened dopamine receptor activation.

In other words, I can’t get enough of her.

I have a compulsion to be with her. It is a behavioral addiction, which often can have the same symptoms as drug addiction and alcoholism.  That’s because being with Terry alters my mood or emotional state by creating a euphoric feeling.  The euphoria is the result of serotonin or adrenalin released in my brain when I am with her. My brain then tries to recreate this high despite any negative consequences related to it. Fortunately, there have not been any negative consequences yet.

They say that if you perform an addictive activity on a regular basis, you may form a tolerance to the euphoric state that results. That means that you will have to engage in the activity more often or increase the intensity of the activity so that you can achieve the desired effect.

Bingo!

That is why I need to be with Terry so much.  And all these years I thought it was Terry who had to build up a tolerance to me and my behavior.

To paraphrase Robert Palmer:

Your lights are on, but you’re not home

Your mind is not your own

Your heart sweats, your body shakes,

More time with Terry, is what it takes

I might as well face it, I’m addicted to Terry.

To paraphrase Jimmy Buffett in a Zac Brown song:

Spending time with Terry is my only medication

Wishing my condition ain’t ever gonna go away.

Until next time, there’s no doubt, I’m in deep. Knee deep.

Bud