Relationships

By Bud Focht

Hi, my name is Bud and I have been told that my great relationship with my wife Terry is going to change, as her Early Onset Alzheimer’s Disease progresses toward the latter stages.

Terry and I have always had a great relationship. Right now it is as good as ever, maybe even better than ever, because I have learned to be more patient. I’ve learned to not sweat the small stuff since Terry’s diagnosis.

Ever since Terry and I have been married I have had 70-hour work weeks that start at the end of August and run till the end of May. When asked how we’ve stayed so happy together all these years we would always tell people my work schedule is why we never fight, because we don’t see each other enough to argue.

Some guys I know married “trophy wives”, Homecoming Queens. Some are now divorced. Some are now unhappy, now that the “trophy” is 50+ years old and doesn’t shine as much as it used to.  I married a cute little tennis player who won a couple dozen trophies.  Terry’s appeal to me was 50 percent personality, 50 percent cuteness.  I’m lucky. She’s still cute and still has that great personality.  I am dreading when that personality changes due to this horrible disease.

Terry weighed 102 pounds when we got married. She now weighs in at 103.  Every day I thank her for being in her mid-50s and not having a fat ass.  There aren’t many 55-year olds who you can say that about. Me, I am almost 40 pounds over my college playing weight. As far as fat asses go, I was born with one and never lost it. About 15 years ago I had a mid-life crisis, got motivated, and lost 30 pounds, but I turned around and found it.

I remember 26 years ago we were attending one of Terry’s sister’s wedding rehearsal dinner and the groom’s mother asked that we go around the table giving our thoughts on marriage. There were a lot of “You have to work at it” and “You get out of it what you put into it” remarks. I remember thinking, and then saying “Hey, we’ve been married almost six years now and I haven’t put any work into it. I know what work is and this is nothing like work. Terry and I are very happy just being together.”

And it was true. It was never like work, and we never had to work at it. We’ve always taken responsibility for our own happiness. We try to please each other but it is up to you to be happy. We’ve always tried to make good on our words. When we say we will do something, we do it. We admit our mistakes without making excuses. We have always listened to each other. We have always shown affection, with hugs, a hand on the shoulder or gentle slaps on the rear (my favorite). We’ve always been truthful with each other. We’ve given the other person some space, for me to go to the ball games or occasionally to the bar with my friends. Terry goes to her Bible studies. And we’ve always encouraged each other and supported each other’s ideas.

Granted, there has been a bit of work involved lately, but Terry and I still have a great relationship. Although if you ever listened to us talk you would think it was just the opposite. A running gag in our house is the backhanded compliment. You know, saying something where you are not sure if it is compliment or an insult. “Hey, you don’t sweat much for a fat girl.” Things like that.  I’ll tell Terry “I love you” and she’ll say “Get over it.”  Or she’ll say to me “I love you” and I’ll reply “Yea, I get that a lot. Whatever.”  We say much worse but always in jest. Our neighbors must think we hate each other, the way we talk to each other, but just the opposite is true. We truly enjoy each other’s company and are always laughing.

There have been many relationships portrayed on television over the years, where true love certainly exists but it lies beneath a layer of sarcasm and arguing. Archie and Edith Bunker from All in the Family, Frank and Marie Barone from Everybody Loves Raymond, George Burns and Gracie Allen, Howard and Marion Cunningham from Happy Days.

My all-time favorite couple from TV land, however, was one of the first working class televised couples. They even made a very successful cartoon version of them years later set in prehistoric times, Fred and Wilma Flintstone. Of course I am talking about Ralph and Alice Kramden.  The Honeymooners.

Ralph’s frustration with his lot in life often caused him to be short tempered and issue hollow threats (“Bam, zoom, to the moon”), when he was not trying to come up with get-rich-quick schemes. But beneath that bus-driving exterior was a soft-hearted man who loved his wife.  “Alice, you’re the greatest!”

And so is the relationship Terry and I have. The greatest! Just the way it is, and always has been. I assumed it always would be.

If and when our relationship changes, I think that will be the cruelest part of this disease. So far we’ve been lucky. We are still in the mild stage of Alzheimer’s. Terry’s cognitive decline (memory loss, difficulty with information processing) is the biggest challenge we’ve had to face so far. Compared to what is in store, it has been easy, or as Ralph Kramden would say, “A mere bag of shells.”

The day a change in our relationship occurs will not be easy for me to accept. What is the opposite of a bag of shells? A bag of shit?

Words from our wedding song hopefully will be of some help if and when that day occurs.

Like a rose under the April snow

I was always certain love would grow

Love, ageless and evergreen

Seldom seen by two

Two lights that shine as one

Morning glory and midnight sun

Time we’ve learned to sail above

Time won’t change the meaning of

One love, ageless and ever, evergreen.

I always thought our relationship would be forever green. But now they tell me it will change, like the color of the leaves in the autumn foliage.  I’ve never been a fan of change, and I’ve always hated the fall season, when my work schedule increased to the point where it kept me away from my family.  But over the years I have tried to learn to accept it.

This is one lesson I am not looking forward to learning.

Until next time, don’t change. Try to stay, as Barbara Streisand sang, evergreen.

Bud