Up Down, Up Down

By Bud Focht

Hi, my name is Bud and my life as a caregiver these days is a lot like the proper way to serve an English Muffin. Lots of nooks and crannies.

By nooks and crannies, I don’t mean little, out of the way places. I mean the way half of an English Muffin is supposed to look, with peaks and valleys, highs and lows, ups and downs.

Once my wife Terry began the middle stages of Early Onset Alzheimer’s Disease, there were good days and bad days. Now, on both good days and bad days there are good moments and bad moments, and they come and go as often as another cockamamie tweet from the POTUS.

There is no greater thing in life than hearing my wife Terry laugh. And there is nothing worse than seeing the anger in her eyes, anger and rage caused, I believe, by frustration, due to her diminishing cognitive skills.

Thankfully I still hear Terry say, “I love my life” every once in a while. It keeps me going. But way too often I hear her scream “I don’t like it! It’s all yuk! I’m going home!” in between open-handed swings at my chest.

One of the sad parts is that she says she wants to go home when she is standing in the middle of the home she has lived in for over 30 years.

My amateur psychology theory is I believe her wanting to “go home” means she wants to go back to the way she was. And the way she was, was perfect.

When Terry gets angry these days it reminds me of 12-year old Regan spinning her head around and projectile pea souping. It is the complete opposite of what she really is, or at least was.

Terry was the meekest, cutest coed I ever met. She always seemed to have a smile on her face and would never raise her voice. The woman I married never got mad, at least not until we had kids. If she wasn’t happy, she might have been a little sad, but it seemed like she was never mad.

Now she gets fightin’ mad!

The Zoloft has helped, but there are still periods of the day when she gets upset, for really no reason at all. Usually something she thought of, real or not.

Sometimes I think LaMarcus Thompson had my life in mind when he invented the roller coaster. Up down, up down. The thought of it makes me want to start pea souping.

I’ve tried many different ways to deal with Terry’s anger and violence. I’ve tried to plead with her, apologize to her. I’ve tried to hug her, but that can sometimes be like boning a marlin. I’ve tried yelling back at her when she strikes me, and I’ve tried taking my shirt off to try to make her laugh.

Lately, I’ve been using the old misdirection trick.  I try to distract her.

I tried breaking out the old photo albums, but that play ended with mixed reviews. Terry gave it two thumbs up. For me, it somewhat of a downer. Maybe I picked the wrong photo album.

I was showing Terry the photos of our wedding and she was enjoying it. She loved seeing the pictures of the bride and groom. She told me how much she liked her groom.

Up!

But it eventually dawned on me that she had no idea that the guy sitting next to her, showing her the wedding photos, was the groom in the pictures.

Down!

The best way to distract Terry is with Harry, our grand dog. Harry almost always makes Terry laugh. So when I see Terry getting agitated I get Harry and have Terry give him a treat. Harry licking peanut butter off of Terry’s hand has so far been my go-to play.

Sometimes we throw a milkbone out into the yard and watch Harry run after it. If he is already outside I have to be the one who throws the bone. Terry has such great eye-hand coordination when she threw the hard milkbone she almost hit Harry in the head with it, even though he was a good 50 feet from us. Once after she narrowly missed him I told Terry to throw it away from Harry, toward the fenced in garden. So, what happened? She threw the bone INTO the garden. Harry couldn’t get it because he knows he’s not allowed in there, even during the winter when the garden is more of a compost.

Unfortunately, our son won’t let us have a fat grand dog, so I can only use that trick once or twice a day.

I also use peanut M&Ms, Terry’s favorite, to take her mind off of whatever is bothering her. I put some in each hand and have Terry pick a hand. I always act totally amazed that she always picks the correct hand.  That trick only works before she gets pissed, when I see it coming. Nip it in the bud, before Bud gets nipped.

You know the expression, “Sweets for the sweet?” Well in my case it is “Sweet before getting beat.”

But like not wanting a fat grand dog, I can only use the M&M trick on Terry once or twice a day.

One of my great sisters-in-law sent some gifts to help keep Terry calm, and they do. One of the gifts is this vibrating ball made for infants, but it makes Terry laugh when it bounces around the floor or in her hands or lap. Who would have thought one of Terry’s sisters would send me a vibrator for her?

She also sent us a Sensory pillow. It is a throw pillow for the couch that has reversible sequins, so depending on how you rub it the color changes. The best part about it so far is the fact that when the sun comes in our front window in the late afternoon it hits the sequins and reflects onto the living room ceiling. I move the pillow and it is like being in our own little planetarium with the different colored stars moving.

Physical comedy also makes Terry laugh. Nothing too violent like the Stooges slapping each other, but a clumsy Inspector Clouseau or Gilligan or a nervous Barney Fife will sometimes make her laugh too hard, hard enough that we need another shower, and another Depends.

When all else fails I go back to the old reliable. Sports.

Terry grew up playing football and basketball with the neighborhood kids, riding bikes with her siblings, and eventually kicking everyone’s butt in tennis as a Phys. Ed. major. She was a die-hard Providence College basketball fan, as well as a fan of her beloved Red Sox and Patriots. And that was even before the Pats were any good.

So now I have Red Sox and Patriots games recorded and I play them on TV when I am desperate.

Tonight, her Patriots play my Iggles in the biggest football game of the year. I am having homemade Philly cheesesteak sandwiches and Terry is having New England Clam Chowder. For desert I have Tastykakes and Terry has Boston Cream pie.

The game, as well as the commercials, and the food will help me help Terry stay happy. Help her stay up. 

Because there have been way to many downs lately, with more to come.

Tonight the only downs we want are First Downs in the game.

Until next time, I hope you have more ups than downs.

Bud

budfocht@gmail.com