Oh yea, I have a blog

By Bud Focht

Hi, my name is Bud and it was recently brought to my attention by a few different people that I haven’t written a post for my blog in a while. What started out a year and a half ago as a weekly therapeutic vent about caring for a wife with Early Onset Alzheimer’s Disease seems to have dwindled into a bi-monthly effort. 

(Now does bi-monthly mean twice a month or does it mean once every two months or does it mean that you like both boy and girl months? I’m not sure.)

I am sure the decrease of my writing output is due to a number of things.

First of all I am entering the busy (I should say busiest) portion of my work year, so time is not what it used to be. (And speaking of time not being what it used to be, how much does it stink that it gets dark at 5pm? Is that depressing or what?)

My caregiving has also become a bit more time consuming, as my wife Terry now needs more assistance in her day-to-day activities.

Another big reason why I haven’t written much lately is because of something our mothers taught us at a young age. “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything.”

The last few months have not been that nice. They’ve been tough. I got spoiled during the summer months, seeing so much of Terry, being able to spend so much time with her. Being able to help her with everything. That is getting harder to do these days.

Fortunately Terry has been able to go to a lot of the sporting events with me at work, mostly soccer games, a field hockey game now and then, a couple of swimming & diving meets and a couple of cross country meets. Terry likes going to all of these events, especially the cross country meets. She ran track in college, coached youth track on the CYO level (even took some athletes to the prestigious Penn Relays) and enjoys going to our son’s triathlons. These races are a nice, comfortable environment for her.

It’s funny, though, that when we are at these outdoor events, Terry is fascinated by flying objects in the sky. (I know, where else would they be?) She loves watching airplanes or helicopters pass overhead. And she likes pointing them out to me. Sometimes IN THE MIDDLE OF THE GAME. God forbid a hawk, a crane or a heron would fly by. 

I wonder why that is? She was never like that before. But now whenever we are outside Terry loves to point out anything moving in the sky. 

The soccer games that Terry went to with me this fall were played on a field surrounded by woods, and the trees the past few weeks have been unbelievably beautiful. Just on the other side of those woods is an airport. I think she saw more of the airplanes coming and going than she did of the games or the foliage. But she was happy. And I was happy too, having her nearby.

I hate being apart from her, worried if she is okay. It is becoming more and more difficult for her to entertain herself when she is alone. Not only entertain herself but simply handle things by herself.

But even though I always want to be with her to care for her, every once in a while it gets tough being a caregiver. It reminds me of when I was a young father, sometimes I would get frustrated with the kids.

Usually because I didn’t have enough time, didn’t have enough rest, or didn’t have enough to eat.

Regrettably, I was never the most patient father.

I started out being a very patient caregiver. (That is, once we knew why Terry was forgetting everything or could no longer figure things out the way she used to.)  But lately I can sometimes feel myself getting frustrated.

Usually because I didn’t have enough time, didn’t have enough rest, or didn’t have enough to drink.

That is when I need to take a step back and try to put things in perspective.  In a situation like this an old urban friend of mine would always say “Fool, you better check yourself before you wreck yourself.”

So I did check myself. I took a “Caregiver Stress Test” on line at alz.org. I didn’t do so well. So what else is new? Taking tests was never one of my strong suits. Until I got to college, my teachers were never that impressed with my answers.

Well, I wasn’t too impressed with the answers I got from my stress test, either. Like;

“Sadness, grief, loneliness and anger are all normal feelings as Alzheimer's slowly takes away the person you care about and your life is forever changed. Expect to feel loss and grief. But don't be afraid to acknowledge your feelings and to seek the comfort of others who understand.”

No shit! Not exactly an eye-opening answer. Not exactly the answer I needed to wind down.

The fall outdoor sports season is now winding down.  Soon the basketball season will begin and Terry will be making most of the road trips with me. I am lucky that we can do that.

I have to keep reminding myself that I am lucky. I mean, it totally sucks that my Terry has this disease and is slowly becoming less and less independent. But I have to remember to appreciate every day that we get to laugh with each other. And that happens every day.

I was reminded of this today when I heard an old favorite song of mine on the radio. Twenty-some years ago I was an R.E.M. fan and they wrote an anti-suicide song geared toward teenagers called “Everybody Hurts.”

That song states that everybody hurts, everybody cries, so hold on. You are not alone.

One of Terry’s favorite songs these days is called “I Hold On” and is sort of her motto with this disease. In that song it says “I hold on, to the things I believe in, my faith, my love, our freedom, to the things I can count on to keep me going strong. I hold on.”

So Terry and I will continue to try to hold on. And I will try to be more patient. And maybe even write a little more.

Until next time, did you see that airplane?

Bud